


The Love Goat

by Soldmysoulfortheseships



Series: Short Story Challenge [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, Fantasy, Lesbians, No Lesbians Die, One Shot Collection, Original Character(s), Witchcraft, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 00:55:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16863181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soldmysoulfortheseships/pseuds/Soldmysoulfortheseships
Summary: Can't a lonely witch catch a break once in a while? Diana Kingsley can't seem to, especially when she finds a stuffed goat in her house.





	The Love Goat

For all the impulsive, semi-drunk purchases that Diana had ever made, this was by far the weirdest one yet. Drunk Diana hadn’t been able to resist the demonic goat – its glowing yellow eyes calling out to her from inside Madame Solare’s shop.  
Madame Solare was a well-respected witch in the community, as well as a savvy businesswoman, supplying half of the covens in the city with ready-to-go charms, unique and ordinary spells alike and a variety of potion ingredients. Unfortunately for Diana, Madame Solare’s business prowess had gotten the better of her. She must have been three sheets to the wind the night beforehand, she figured from what little she remembered. Diana stared down the goat, its stuffed body standing in stiff defiance of Diana’s anger – though the feeling would be better directed at herself for buying that damned thing. Its glowing yellow eyes were only the second most terrifying feature. Albert, as Madame Solare insisted calling it, had taken a large bite out of her bank account for something that didn’t possess a working jaw. Diana hadn’t thought a demonic stuffed goat could cost that much.  
When she first woke up, head throbbing at the sight of the thing, she’d assumed Madame S had sent it to her as a joke. The witch retailer had a famous sense of humour, regularly sending dye bombs to witches who refused to pay off their loans, or giving stink charms to young witches to prank their parents or siblings with. She had hoped Madame S had been pulling her leg, teasing Diana like she had when the two of them were younger and Diane was caught blushing over Marianne St.Clair, the high priestess’ daughter.  
That was until she saw the note attached the goat’s neck, in Madame S’s handwriting.

_“I hope the love talisman works wonders for you after all you told me- Love, Madame Solare.”_

“Fuck” she whispered as memories from the night before barreled into her.

***

The bells chimed loudly, signaling the entrance of a witch portaling their way through the false front of the store. The wooden door – built in for effect more than function - slammed open, and Madame Solare watched as Diana Kingsley slumped onto a nearby cabinet, rattling it dangerously.  
“Miss Kingsley, I hope you know that if you break anything in here, you will be paying for it!” she exclaimed as Diana almost toppled over herself and the cabinet, the mushrooms and roots spilling out of their respective bowls. Diana just looked at her, swinging her head so her frizzy brown hair fell off her face to reveal red, puffy eyes. Madame S froze, staring at the tears streaming down the young witch’s cheeks as they turned towards the ground with a sniff.  
After a moment of uncertainty, Madame Solare settled on, “Oh dear, what’s happened?” She led Diana towards a table set up further at the back of the store.

Lips trembling, Diana managed, “I’m-I’m s-sorry, I was just hoping that … um, that you could help me with something.” She hiccupped as she spoke, the scent of whiskey on her breath. If the old witch’s gaze was softened toward her before, it was melted now.  
“I know it’s silly, but I was wondering if you have anything that could help… find love? I’ve been single for three goddamned years and I am so sick of it!” Diana broke off, throwing her brown hair back and clutching at her forehead. “You know who’s getting married? Anna! My younger sister is getting married and I haven’t been in a relationship in three bloody years. I am so lonely and I just want to somebody to hold and to wake up to.” Her voice broke into a sob Madame Solare heard more than saw as Diana hid her face.  
Madame S sighed. Love was a volatile emotion, endlessly changing and so uncontrollable. Love potions, spells and charms were expensive and hardly worked at best… and were dangerous at worst. Strong and powerful witches could spend months weaving together a love charm only for it to turn into a passion or admiration charm at the last minute. Madam Solare had never sold love charms, being too high-risk to mass produce.  
But Diana didn’t know that.  
This old witch had a plan.

“I don’t know about a love charm, dear, but what about a talisman for luck in love? It’s safer and easier to use than a love charm.”  
Diana’s face lit up, “So you will help then?”  
Madame Solare held her hand, “Of course, my sweet witchling.”

***

Trying to take a life-sized stuffed goat onto public transport was a nightmare. At first Diana tried to shrink the goat to hide it in her pocket, but that failed miserably. So, Diana was stuck hauling a full-size Albert on the bus, to the mixed reactions of amusement and horror of her fellow commuters.  
She seriously needed to return the goat to Madame Solare as soon as possible, as the woman had a twenty-four-hour refund policy for any product purchases no matter what. Fifteen minutes later, Diana stood out the front of Madame Solare’s store, under a red sign with black lettering proclaiming _“Madame Solare: Tarot Cards, Crystals and Charms.”_ To a mortal eye, Madame Solare’s store looked like any other new-age fake witch shop, but real witches knew that behind the false front lay the back room, the real shop filled with anything and everything a real witch needed.

“Come on Albert, let’s get you back to where you belong,” Diana muttered to the goat, feeling slightly insane.  
Maria, the witch taking care of the fake store today, waved her through the back, her green bob curled at the ends, cracking with magic near invisible to the untrained eye. Diana opened the portal, the swirling void hissing as it spilt open, seemingly reluctantly letting her in to the store. She had to make sure to get the whole goat in, horns and all.  
The feeling of dry sand rubbing on her skin sent shivers up Diana’s spine as the portal sucked her through and out the other side. A young woman appeared from behind a desk on the back wall. She was tall with dark skin, and her fingers were covered in rings, some small ones with nothing on the band and others with gemstones as big and glittering as cat’s eyes. Her hair was dyed a vibrant shade of red, braided and pulled into a bun. Diana gulped. The witch was a vision of beauty and power, which meant the gaping drunk was fucked.

“Hello, my name is Ziva. How can I help you today?”  
Diana’s cheeks warmed. She felt a violent blush trying to take over her face as she stumbled through her request. “I was hoping to return this goat… um, Madame Solare calls him Albert.” _Jesus, Diana, can you utter a full sentence without completely falling over yourself?_

“And what is the reason for the return?” Ziva questioned professionally, oblivious to her customer’s social incompetence. A pen and paper appeared in the store assistant’s hand so fast that there was no way it couldn’t have been magic.  
“I would like to return Albert for a number for reasons.” Diana paused, taking a breath for dramatic effect. “First off, he never replies to my answers or laughs at my jokes.”  
Ziva giggled, a smile blossoming across her face as she waved a startled Diana to continue on. _Okay_ , she reasoned. _I guess humour does work._  
“Second, he is way too expensive for an underpaid witch, and third is the fact that I was horribly drunk when I made this purchase.”  
“When and why did you buy Albert, as my aunt insists he be called?” Ziva asked, barely keeping a straight face. _Aunt?_ Diana echoed in her head. _Since when did old Madame Solare have a stunning niece like this, and why wasn’t I told?_  
But instead of breaking the mood, she continued, “I wondered in here, drunk as a skunk only last night, so I am still within the twenty-four hours of no trouble returns. And the why? Let’s just say I was lonely.”  
Ziva smirked as she filled out the return slip. “So, you’re telling me that you got super drunk and brought a goat as a love talisman?”  
“Basically, except for the fact that Albert here,” she petted the goat’s head for effect, “is a luck in love talisman - not super different, just much safer than an actual love charm. What can I say? Unfortunately, your aunt is a convincing businesswoman.”  
Ziva took Albert’s leash, snapping her finger and vanishing him back to storage. “You know, my aunt can sometimes be a deceiving businesswoman, but I would say that the goat at least worked a little.”  
Diana snorted and played along. “That’s not possible. I haven’t received any letters from a woman proclaiming her undying love for me.”  
“Maybe we could change that.” Ziva winked, a cheeky smile flitting over her face as she wrote something down on a piece of paper. She handed the note to Diana, making sure their hands touched. “Call me sometime.”

***

Madame Solare watched from her window as Diana stumbled out of her store, a rare grin on her face as she read the note from her niece. She smiled warmly down at the girl, but her eyes glinted with a little mischief, too. Her plan had worked.  
Hopefully she would start seeing Diana around the store more often now.

**Author's Note:**

> I am taking on a personal challenge to write 5 short stories from December to February. These short stories are purely for enjoyment so if you like them please leave a comment or a kudos, it would be greatly appreciated!


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